My thoughts, dreams, ideas.... And general observations of
life as I know it:
I'm back! For now...
May 3rd 2011
Phew! Been a while I know and although my excuses are
trivial they are, nonetheless, valid. Firstly had a great run in the play in
which I played lead (seems a lifetime ago now!) We had a great review and I
had a wonderful time. The only downside was that my back, having merely
twinged once in a while, decided to give up and go and I was left in agony,
bent double a-là Mrs Overall, and feeling my age! However, the show must go
on, etc. and I managed to not only perform but do my very best (audiences
loved it) and enjoy it too. No mean feat when you feel more like standing in
a corner (couldn't get nowhere near a crouch) and crying. The cast were
superb as was our brilliant stage-manager who performed miracles every night
by doing the whole lot backstage – SM, scene shifter, prop master and
light/sound operator too! He was the real star.
The second, and equally valid, reason for not writing to you is that I
celebrated my Birthday (OLD!!!), visited my son in Falmouth, spent Easter
with my family and generally relaxed and had a good time. Pathetic excuses I
know but I shall explain why I didn't get near my laptop and you might be a
bit more understanding (those of you with children, that is) : My daughter
takes complete control of said laptop whenever she is home. With homework
and revision (studying for A levels) the top reason for her use of my laptop
- Facebook and MSN come a very close second.
The last reason (and if I'm honest: main one) for my not writing is: I've
not really had much to say. Yes, I know; hard to believe isn't it? It seems,
dear reader, that I have what some call writers block. I haven't had one
good idea in ages. My second unfinished novel remains so and I feel quite
unmotivated to do anything more to it. I have lost the passion.
But fear not! I have kept busy with card-making, knitting and painting
(using some of my designs in my cards) and this has got my creativity
flowing again. I've got my mojo back and I have begun writing again. Only
small doses to begin with but I feel that soon I will be able to spend
longer and longer and write to mine (and yours?) heart content.
Well, that's the plan anyway. But also in the near future my daughter will
be home for study leave and will whip my laptop up to the depths of her teen
bedroom, never to see the light of day again. Also my eldest son, who is due
to finish Uni, may well be back home soon (if he can't find a job). I too
seek work albeit part-time. So watch this space! Signing off till next time
(soon).
Who needs enemies?
March 7th 2011
It’s been a few weeks since my last Blog but alas
this has not been for any interesting reason other than one of illness.
Although that’s not strictly true; I have been job-hunting too and
rehearsing for a play which opens in just two weeks time. But the illness
took me completely by surprise. My hubby and daughter have both had it. In
fact the daughter brought it in and gave it to us FOC! Hubby is still not
one hundred per cent but he’s not the sort to dwell on such things and has
never had man-flu. But, it seems, we’ve both now had the flu which is a bit
of a surprise as I received this winter’s flu jab! I assumed (wrongly) that
it meant an immediate immunity to flu’s of all types but no – it merely
means you just get a ‘milder’ form if you’re unlucky enough to pick it up!
Milder? I hate to think how bad I’d be with a less mild dose! Chesty cough,
temperature, sore throat, aching limbs, swimming head… Have had them all!
Tried (but failed) to fight off the dreadful germ but in the end had to
succumb and ended up spending a whole weekend in bed! No fun!
As I lay there in my hazy state I began to wonder why some people get off on
power. Why is it whenever you’re feeling particularly low (because you’re
coming down with something or just low) a fellow human being sees this and
seizes upon it? Gauging correctly that you are in no fit state to defend
yourself, said person then launches into subtle (or not so subtle in some
cases) attacks on your person; self-worth and character that you start to
believe you must have offended them in some way. You then spend hours on
your sick-bed trying to figure out just what you did that was so awful
and/or why they hate you so much. In the meantime your illness gets no
better as all your energy is wrongly aimed at solving this clueless mystery.
What makes it worse is that it is almost always somebody you thought was a
friend or colleague. And yes, dear reader, it happened to me.
But are things really that simple? Often it’s the little things that get at
us. The small asides, or seemingly harmless remarks, about our work suddenly
become huge. A personal observation or comment about our hair or clothes is
magnified ten-fold. So is it really the person who makes us feel so rubbish
that wields the power? Or is it that we hand them this power; gift-wrapped
and labelled: to use when object of ridicule is feeling low? I fear it’s the
latter. I also believe that if we’re feeling at a really low ebb then we
pick up and are hyper-sensitive to remarks, asides and general nastiness
that usually slips by as nothing more than teasing or joking. After all,
when we ourselves are feeling good, we are all guilty of a little banter. So
next time, before you say something sharp, don’t think how proud you’ll feel
delivering such a clever remark, simply stop and think how you would feel if
it was aimed at you. Try saying something nice instead. Or next time you’re
lying on your sick-bed you might just get it back threefold! Keep well.
Happy, Valentine?
Feb 16th 2011
Did you have a Happy Valentine’s day! Or did you hate every
minute? For most single people it can be at worst miserable and at best
slightly irritating. Although many may say they don’t really care, deep down
they surely do; just a little. Is it because they believe they’re not loved,
that there’s no one for them? Or is it because they see love-struck couples
mooning around, behaving in such a mushy sentimental way that it makes them
feel quite sick?
Whatever the reason Valentine’s Day is most certainly a very expensive one.
Cards are exorbitant; chocolates are marked up if they have pink ribbons and
hearts wrapped around the box; and red roses…Well, don’t even go there! But
do we really need all this excess? What happened to home-made cards,
hand-written poems straight from the heart, and just acts of pampering for
your loved one? We ladies like to feel special but we really don’t need all
the frills. A card (even a shop-bought one if he really has to) and a nice
meal cooked by love’s sweet hands would be much more romantic.
In fact, let’s be honest ladies, romance on a daily basis would be nice.
Just little things like saying how nice we look (without being asked); like
saying ‘I love you’ (without being prompted); and like helping out a bit
more round the home.
Although I know that more and more men help out with the children, housework
and general chores there are still those Neanderthals who think all that
stuff is women’s work. I have female friends who treat their husband like
he’s another child: fussing after him just like his own mother used to. They
say things like ‘well, he does work hard’ but then so do they!
I find it infuriating when these females put their man before everything
including themselves. A marriage or partnership should be equal. If he’s
home and you’re out, running the children somewhere, food shopping, etc
there is no reason why he can’t run the hoover round or put the tea on.
Instead, as in the case of these friends, they do all the running around,
arrive home absolutely shattered, then have to start all over again. With
not so much as a cup of tea proffered they are met with whines and whinges
about how hard his day has been.
Now I’m not saying that it’s all one-sided. In talking to these female
friends I discovered that they actually enjoy the fact their men rely on
them. They love looking after them by smothering… sorry – mothering them.
They love that their men are totally dependant on them for everything
regarding the children and home. This made me wonder: is it the women’s
insecurities that they keep their men totally reliant on them? Are they so
convinced that if they stopped mothering their men they would lose them? I
don’t know but one thing’s for sure; I’m not one of them. My man cooked me a
lovely meal for Valentine’s and he gave me a lovely card with very
meaningful words too (albeit shop bought). But then he cooks more than I do
anyway; knows how to use the washing machine and hoover; and he works hard.
He’s a brilliant hubby and Dad and on top of all that, he truly is my
soulmate.
Motherhood is the best job in the world!
Feb 9th 2011
Just recently a very good and close friend of mine had a
baby. I have watched in awe as she soothes her baby long before he really
cries, putting him to her breast. He is contented and happy, as is she – no
doubt about that. She was always a confident, independent woman and has
taken to motherhood so perfectly that I have found myself reflecting back to
when my children were tiny babes in arms as apposed to large near adults.
I remember back then, with my first newborn son, JM, how terrified I was. I
felt sure that I was doing something wrong. I tried but failed with
breastfeeding. With no support from the midwife (a locum – mine was
delivering a homebirth. How selfish, I thought at the time, to take her away
from me. How unfair.) I was left feeling far from adequate to take care of
this little boy. Increasingly I became isolated and full of fear, despair
and confusion. Eventually I was diagnosed with post-natal depression. I
began then to understand that was happening to me wasn’t alien or new and
that a large number of women suffer silently through a time they should be
enjoying. It was something not to feel guilty about. But I did and still do,
to some degree.
I joined a mother and baby/toddler group in a church hall, full of friendly
people and excited toddlers. Babies gurgled happily on their mother’s laps
whilst their siblings ate biscuits (no health police like there are today)
and the mothers chatted happily amongst themselves, secure in the knowledge
that their child could play safely.
As I began to relax and enjoy my son, I also became aware of the other
mothers around me. They were confident; I was still not quite there. Their
children were perfectly content; JM, having picked up on my own anxieties,
was clingy. Their children fed well from the breast; mine did not. And so
on; you get the picture.
Although we try not to, we often compare our lot against another’s, and so I
did. Constantly questioning my ability as a mother, I tried to do my best
but felt as if that was never quite good enough. Like so many more women
today, twenty years ago when JM was born I had no support from my mother.
She had been completely destroyed physically, mentally and verbally by a
massive stroke when I was just seventeen. So my father spent all of his time
taking care of her and we never really had the best of relationships. I was,
in effect, alone once Mike was at work.
This was why it was so important to fit in and feel part of the mother/baby
group, which I did, mostly. It was just that, on comparing myself to other
mums, I didn’t think I measured up. I longed to be totally relaxed and
almost blasé about motherhood. Wanted, no, hoped that I would one day no
longer worry sick about him and if I was doing things right, if he was
developing as he should; all the normal things that normal mums worry about
in fact. That’s the thing though: you never stop worrying. Even when they
are twenty-one (JM) and at university half-way up the country, you never
stop worrying. It’s just that, as they grow and change schools, friends,
etc, you find yourself worrying about different things. One thing I have
learnt though; you should enjoy them while you can as all too soon they’re
off. But they still come back to you – as soon as they want something.
Motherhood is about continuously giving but you get an awful lot back in the
process. Now that is something.
